


Bad Love

by DestinyLeane



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Hurt No Comfort, Manipulation, Other, Physical Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:47:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21807649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestinyLeane/pseuds/DestinyLeane
Summary: Steven and Spinel have a peculiar relationship. When things get too much for either of them, there's always a call, a trip to the garden, and a fight.It was never meant to get out of hand.
Relationships: Spinel/Steven Universe
Comments: 87
Kudos: 143





	1. Bad Love

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to make something bad~ 
> 
> So I hope you don't mind me tainting my works with an abusive take on Steven cause I'm gonna be a careless jerk I'm sorry.

Sometimes you think something is going great when it really isn't. You try your hardest to be good but you just can't.   
Maybe you aren't meant to be?   
You want to be.   
She wants to be so bad.   
He wanted that too. 

"I'm not gonna let you trick me again." Her voice was a guttural growl in his ears, low and violent in a quiet and ruthless way that only made him want to push back harder. Spinel's foot firmly planted itself on his cheek, pressing him into the dirt further with steadily growing pressure. 

"I'm not tricking you. I haven't lied, I haven't done anything to show you that I don't trust you." He replied, as calmly as possible. Steven dug his fingers into the ground and pushed himself up, forcing Spinel to lose her balance on top of him.

"You did!" She retorted, regaining her composure and shooting an icy glare his direction. 

"You lied to me about the diamonds! You lied to me about Earth! Pink was a bad person but you.." she lowered her voice, readying herself to attack. "You're worse." 

Steven furrowed his brow, trying to hold back his rage, but it seeped into every thought, every single thing he had done to be better and he was still his mother's son. It made his skin burn with loathing. 

"That's enough!" He snarled, standing upright to face her. Spinel chuckled and crossed her legs with a sly grin. 

"Aw, you mad cause I hurt ya feelings?" She remarked snidely, watching him begin to fume. Of course that would set him off, he hated being compared to Pink, it was a taste of what she got on a constant basis at the palace. He had asked her to help let off steam and it was ridiculously easy to find the root of the problem.

"What are ya gonna do, cry-" her insult was cut off by the sudden and forceful impact of his fist to her face and she slammed into the ground, completely taken aback by his unadulterated rage. 

"I'm not my mother." He stated, stepping toward the gem as she began scrambling away. "I'm not like her, I didn't leave you in the garden, you CHOSE to go with the diamonds, you have NO reason to be mad at me." 

The calmness of his voice contrasted the bright pink glow that seemed to illuminate the boy, forcing whatever control he had previously to be lost in his rage.   
Spinel pulled herself to her feet, raising her hands in surrender. 

"Okay, Steven, I think it's time to-" her words caught in her throat as all the air in her lungs were forced out by another impact. Steven grabbed the gem by the shoulder and slammed her back into the ground, pummeling her with bubbled and spiked fist. This wasn't right.   
This was how it was supposed to go. He never got this angry before. 

Spinel filed her hands between the two of them, wrenching them apart as best she could before another knock to her head dizzied her. 

"I am not her, I don't want to hear another thing about HER!" His voice bellowed, deafening in the silence of the still dead garden, the ground beneath them broke, crumpling as a divet appeared where he sat on top of her, continuing to punch the elastic gem into submission until something forced him to stop. 

It wasn't her tears or bruises, or the hole he had made though, or even some semblance of concern. He peered down vacantly at the gemstone on her chest, gazing at the crack that seemed to have manifested out of nothing. 

Spinel was silent, perhaps from the shock, maybe because he finally stopped hitting her, but probably because he had never gone this far before. She blinked, still reeling from whatever had set him off so easily, the familiarity of his rage burned in her mind. It was something she had seen Pink have on multitudes of occasions. 

Spinel was good at picking out the days when Pink was on edge, and even better with Steven- when she saw him. But this? Pink never cracked her.

Her thoughts were cut short the moment a cold and uncomfortably wet hand slathered her gem in Steven's spit and she stared up at him. He wasn't pink anymore, he was smiling, happier.   
It worked.

Steven climbed off of his friend and scratched his head, shaking off the last of his pent up rage before he addressed her. 

"Thanks for coming to the garden and helping me vent." He glanced at the gem, not noticing her gently touch her gemstone in her wiles of shock. 

"What are friends for?" She answered, still not quite comprehending his reaction.   
Steven laughed, and stood, helping her up as he looked around the garden, taking in the damage they had caused. He was more than grateful that Spinel had been there to help him blow off steam, she was at least one person who would be more than happy to get violent just to vent. It was even more helpful that she wasn't afraid to taunt him to talk, that and she was harder than the other gems and could take a considerable beating. 

"So, are things really that sucky with the diamonds?" He asked, dropping the subject of himself in leu of her own problems. Spinel shook her head, trying to grasp at what she was mad about earlier. 

"Well, it's just kind of hard when all they ever talk about is you, and if I'm not perfect all the time, they start comparing me to Pink and saying hurtful things." She admitted, brushing off the dirt she had accumulated throughout the fight. 

"You can always come back with us, if you want?" He offered, leading her back to the warp pad. Spinel shook her head and smiled somewhat forcibly. 

"It's fine, besides, if I'm there all the time, where would you go to vent?" 

"Probably Jasper." 

Ouch. He probably didn't mean for the words to hurt, but they did, and Spinel would have preferred him not actually answer. She wanted this to be their special thing, it was hers. If Steven found someone else to vent to, she wouldn't have anyone. She needed Steven, she wanted this.


	2. This is Fine

Spinel really did dread the days in between her visits to the garden with Steven, something about the silence of the palace and the constant poking and proding of the diamonds made her want to call him next to constantly.   
She was good at holding it in though, and a part of her almost didn't want to call. 

She couldn't get that memory out of her head, the hollowness in his eyes when he just kept hitting, she wasn't sure if he heard her say stop, or if he would have stopped if he didn't see her crack. Spinel almost convinced herself it was an accident. It was though. 

Otherwise he wouldn't have stopped. She liked being there for him though, in a way that his other friends weren't. 

"Spinel, Steven is on the line for you." Already? That was faster than usual. Spinel hopped off the pink throne and scampered toward Yellow Pearl's communicator.

"Hi, Steven, what's up?" She smiled, peeking in from the side before she took the communicator and began pacing.

"Spinel, I know it's only been a couple days but I really, really need you." His voice sounded slightly more frantic but his words nearly made the gem turn into a sobbing mess. He needed her? God if he knew how it was the other way around.

"You do?" She almost swooned at the thought. "O-of course! Whenever you're ready just-" 

"I'm heading to the garden now." Steven cut in, not letting her finish the small request. The line disconnected before she could ask, so Spinel resigned herself to asking once they got there. 

Steven arrived at the garden first, and was frantically pacing around when he caught sight of Spinel. 

"Oh my gosh, it's been so hard- first, first the zoomans show up with all the unbubbled rose Quartzes, and I didn't know what to do, so I invited them over for dinner- it was really awkward." He sucked in a breath, cutting in before Spinel had time to interject. 

"Then! Pink Pearl- who I nicknamed Volleyball-" 

"Volleyball?" 

"Yeah, Volleyball, I don't know what I was thinking honestly, but I was trying to fix her and she kept saying Pink was the reason her eye is cracked and I got really mad and, and I just need to blow off steam okay?" Steven closed his eyes in a brief moment of calm before he pulled out his shield to spar. 

"Uhm, before we start can I-" 

"Oh, come on, Spinel? I need this?" Steven sighed, his pink hue slightly returning. Spinel stepped off the warp pad and moved around him, making sure he was a decent distance away. It was just a little request, it didn't really matter all that much. Plus, he needed this. He came to her for this. 

"Okay," she gave in with a mild sigh. "I'm ready." 

Before she had time to react, Steven knocked her off her feet, letting her skid backward toward the edge of the black pond. She heaved in a ragged breath and shot a glare at him. 

"Hey!" Spinel pulled herself to her feet and puffed up her fists, hooking him to his left and catching his shield. 

"I'm alright if you get rough just don't-" Steven's bubbled fist caught her face, throwing the gem off her balance for a moment and she slinked underneath him, grabbing his feet and yanking them out from under him.

"I won't crack you again, I'm sorry." Steven laughed, bouncing in the air and grabbing Spinel's pigtail to toss her into the dirt again. Spinel pulled herself up from the ground and spat out the dirt in her mouth. 

"I just hate that Volleyball still obviously loves mom when she did such a terrible thing to her!" Steven continued, blocking Spinel's swing and jerking her around to smack her into the pillar.   
Spinel clung to the rock and threw a crumbling piece at him with her free hand before vaulting toward him with another hit. 

"I know-" the gem smacked into his shield and stumbled off, as Steven continued his little rant. 

"That's why I'm so glad you're here- you know how awful she was." Spinel paused, smiling at his words long enough to be unprepared for his tackle. Steven held her hair tight, forcing the gem to bend and stretch in order to evade his kicks until his shield jabbed her side, causing Spinel to buckle to the ground. 

Spinel growled in anger, he wasn't letter her fight back at all! This was supposed to be for both of them. Angrily, she ripped his hands free from her hair and headbutted him as hard as she could, knocking the boy back far enough that she could at least catch her breath. 

"Yeah, she was terrible." Spinel replied, shaking the hurt from her head. 

"I know! At least I don't throw tantrums and hurt people I care about in the process." Steven agreed with a grunt before slinging his shield in Spinel's direction and forcing her to dodge.

Spinel rolled toward him, screwing herself up like a spinning top to gain speed for her next hits. 

"I'm better than her!" Steven laughed, turning that same bright pink before his hand forced the gem to a halt and he held her in the air while she struggled to loosen his grip. 

"I'm way better than Pink." Steven socked Spinel in the stomach, throwing the gem down on the ground and stepping on her foot to prevent her from escaping so easily.

"Okay- Steven I think I'm-" Spinel bit her lip as her friends foot crammed into her head, dragging her face along the tattered earth. 

"At least I can control myself!" Spinel lifted her head, scrambling away from the violence in search of some temporary safety. This was fine. He deserved to be mad. Pink was terrible.   
He had every right to take his anger out. She was there to help. This was fine.

Steven's fingers dug into her head, tangling in the gem's hair and yanking her back. This is fine.   
He pulled Spinel up to face him, his bright glowing skin exuding a heat she wanted nothing more to escape, she grimaced through the pain, hoping he would stop soon. This is fine.

Her eyes caught his, and for a moment, just a very small, terrible moment she saw diamonds. This is fine. This is fine this is fine.


	3. A good friend

"Thanks Spinel." Steven smiled at her, it was all she really wanted. 

"I'm sorry I cracked your gem again, I really didn't mean to- things have just been really hectic back home." Steven glanced down at the pink heart, it was good as new, he wouldn't do it again. It was an accident anyways. Spinel didn't seem to mind either. 

"Right..I understand, just, please be more careful? I'm not a diamond like you." Spinel answered, still a little dejected and worn from the fight. She was completely healed, she shouldn't be hurting, but something ached just a little. 

"You're a good friend." Steven remarked, staring off at the stars and moons that passed by the garden. Spinel stared at him, her face beginning to burn at the complement. 

"Really?" Its all she ever wanted. It made her so happy. Why did it have to hurt her too? 

"Yeah, really." Steven affirmed, getting to to head back toward the warp pad.   
Spinel followed, ignoring the twinge of soreness on her skin when she brushed past him. 

Steven warped off first, leaving Spinel to contemplate the damage he managed to inflict on the garden as well as herself. Honestly she wouldn't have noticed the bruises if they didn't hurt so much, they would go away after a soothing bath with Blue though, and sitting in the sauna with Yellow would help loosen the tension in her shoulders.   
Steven had gotten so much more powerful since their first fight on the injector. He could easily knock Spinel out now, still, she was the only one he shared this with and she wanted to be the only one. Eventually it would stop hurting as much.   
After all, they were friends, she was being a good friend. 

"You don't think it's weird?" Amethyst pulled Pearl aside, hushing her voice slightly as Steven entered from the warp room. 

"I..do, but I know things have been stressful for him." Pearl whispered, glancing up the stairs to make sure the two were out of his earshot. 

"Yeah, but he comes back all bruised and bloody, Spinel's probably been beating the crap out of him!" Amethyst retorted, sitting down and resting her feet on the table. "Maybe we should make sure he isn't really getting hurt?" 

"We can't take this away from him, you didn't see what happened at the shell but-" pearl quieted herself momentarily, dropping to a low whisper. "He screamed at volleyball, if sparing is helping him destress, I don't think holding it all in is gonna help either." 

"Has he talked to Connie at all about stuff? I know she's usually pretty good at making him better." Amethyst winked at Pearl, prompting the gem to huff in mild discomfort. 

"I don't know, eh- it doesn't matter." 

"Well, shouldn't we go get her, just to talk to him? I mean- he won't talk to any of us." Amethyst fell silent as she heard Steven's footsteps near, he stood at the edge of the stairs, looking at them and pretending not to hear what they said. 

Did they really think this was bad? Spinel was just helping him, that's all, he wasn't actually hurting anyone and even if he cracked her once or twice, he could heal her no problem. Plus, Spinel liked it, it was their thing and he doubted Spinel would want him to just ruminate in his issues alone. Besides, she was the one to suggest it.   
He knew she liked it, otherwise she would have asked to stop. Of course, he could always ask to make sure. Next time though. 

"Spinel, starlight, are you feeling well?" Blue's soft voice lifted Spinel from her thoughts while she sat on the giant diamonds lap, kicking her feet in the water and watching the bruises slowly disappear. 

"I'm okay." She answered. And she was. Really. Everything was fine. Blue didn't believe a single word though. The diamond lifted Spinel's chin with one large finger and smiled softly. 

"You know we love you, don't you?" It seemed like the little pink gem was in the throes of another bout of denial. 

"I know." She admitted, pulling up her legs and averting her eyes. That wasn't the problem. 

"Am I a good friend?" Spinel glanced up at the diamond who smiled softly down at her.   
Blue gently caressed her face before leaning a little closer. 

"Of course you are, starlight, what makes you think you aren't?" Blue let Spinel crawl onto her hand, pulling her up to meet eyes. 

"I dunno, it's just.." Spinel shifted her feet, looking down at the purple blotches on her knees. "I just want to be a good friend to Steven." 

She was, wasn't she? He said so.   
But something inside her tore apart that idea. That maybe she wasn't being a good friend at all, maybe asking too much of him?


	4. A game

"You're okay with this, right?" Steven asked, peering up at the screen as Spinel seemed to contemplate the question. 

"W- yeah, of course I am." She was. She was sure of it. Right? Nothing really bad happened, nobody really got hurt. 

"I'm only asking cause I overheard Pearl and Amethyst and they think you might be too rough." Steven continued, throwing a couple chaaps in his mouth to munch on. 

They thought she? She was being too rough? Spinel laughed a little more nervously than intended. 

"I guess we could..probably go a little easier on-" 

"No, I think we're fine, I mean, I can heal you if you get cracked, so its really not that big of a deal." Steven interjected, setting his feet on the control panel and leaning back in his chair. 

"Right..no, yeah, it's fine!" Spinel nodded, convincing herself of it just enough to not mention it. It was, it was fine. He could always heal her if things got out of hand. And Steven wouldn't ever let things get out of hand anyways. 

"So, did you want to..or?" Spinel hesitated, it wasn't that she didn't want to hang out, or not see him..but she wasn't sure if she was ready yet. A few bruises still hadn't healed and she didn't want him to think they were his fault. They were, but he had enough stress already. She shouldn't be one to add on to that. 

"Connie is coming back from camp for the week, and I have a special evening planned for us. Also, Rainbow Quartz and Sunstone have plans with Onion and Little Homeschool later this week." Steven explained through munches. "Plus a few new gems are coming to class, but I'll call you whenever." 

"Oh, okay." Spinel forced a smile. So many fun things, he had so much planned without her that it was a bleak reminder of her more than boring activities on Homeworld. Still, he would always come to visit just for their trip to the garden. That couldn't be taken away as easily as the rest of him. 

"Well, uh, you have fun then! I'll be here whenever." What a hollow gesture. Spinel even felt a little jealous that he spent so much time on earth with his other friends. It wasn't like she didn't want to go down there too, but what would the other gems think? Especially if they found out about their game?   
They already hated her, they already thought she was the one hurting him more..what if they found out what they did on the garden? 

Spinel milled around the palace, taking small pleasures here and there, her favorite of which was stacking all the pebbles around Yellow and Blues feet and watching them struggle not to crush any of them by accident. You would never believe how funny Yellow could be when she was tip toeing around tiny screaming rocks. Every once in a while she ran into Pink Pearl, or Volleyball as she preferred to be called. She would almost constantly muse about Pink to her, and on occasion talk about Steven.   
Spinel never really hung around her for too long because Volleyball would always circle back to her fusion with Pearl. 

Spinel sat at the mirrored desk in Pink's room, flicking a writing utensil back and watching it roll forward, only to flick it back again. It had been almost a week, and she had heard nothing from Steven. That was good.   
It meant he had no reason to be stressed, no reason to fight, they could rest for a while. Maybe even, he would just come over to talk and play a different game. Or he could have decided that she wasn't a good enough outlet anymore. He could have found someone better, a better friend, like Connie or Amethyst, he didn't actually need her.   
Not specifically. 

Spinel looked up, noticing a small blinking light alongside the most subtle of beeps. A message.   
She opened it, the first thing she saw was a wall of pink, that zoomed out to reveal a very, very angry looking Steven. Her heart dropped.   
Why did it drop?   
She should be happy. He was coming to see her. 

His breath was loud in the speaker, hoarse and filled with a rage that she wasn't sure the cause was. 

"Go. To. The. Garden."

Spinel fumbled, caught off guard by the severity of his tone. 

"Uh, o-okay." She scrambled, almost falling out of her chair in the midst of trying to leave while also trying to turn off the feed. Spinel bolted out the door, sliding past the pearls on her way to the warp pad and beaming directly to their garden. 

It was empty. Steven hadn't arrived yet, but he didn't take long. Spinel whipped around as the light of the warp faded and the hybrid stepped down. Spinel ran up to meet him, hoping to see what made him so upset in the first place. 

"Steven, is everything oka-" in one terrible instant, Spinel's mistake was made vehemently clear. Steven's fingers and locked themselves around her neck and his diamond eyes burned into her. 

"No."


	5. Has winners

Spinel grappled with his arm as he pulled her from her feet, still glaring at her as though she were the source of his anger. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was so angry and she didn't know why.

"Ste..ven" she choked on the name, causing his grip to tighten just a little more.   
His eyes drifted downward, stopping at her gemstone before they flickered back to meet her. 

"You're not broken yet." What? Was that his goal? To break her?   
Steven let Spinel go, and allowed the gem to fall to her knees, gasping for air and some semblance of understanding.

"Steven..please- just tell me what's wrong?" She pleaded in between her ragged breaths. The boy didn't answer, only grabbed her hair and kicked the gem into the ground, leaving a substantial hole where she lay.   
Spinel struggled to her feet, still reeling from his sudden and immediate attack. This wasn't right. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. What is she supposed to do? Fight back? 

Spinel balled her fist, flinging it toward him, an attack he quickly caught, twisting her arm to gain play so he could swing her own fist back like a flail. It caught her chin, and knocked her off balance while she tried to stumble out of the crater he had made.

"Steven- stop!" She begged, twisting and yanking at her arm to try and get him to release his hold. 

"What's the matter? You said it was fine as long at I didn't break you." He deadpanned, reeling the gem closer to hook her as hard as he could manage.  
The impact of his hit forced the breath from her lungs, refusing to allow reply. Spinel drew in a jagged gasp, desperately trying to understand what she did wrong. 

"You're the only one who's fine with everything." He almost laughed, before those diamond eyes met hers. Spinel winced, writhing and kicking at him with what energy she had left. She wrapped and arm around his neck, tightening her grip and hoping it would be enough to let her go. She didn't want to really hurt him. Not like this. 

It didn't work, and only served to make him more livid. Steven grabbed Spinel by the nape of her neck and yanked her off, throwing the flailing gem back down into the crater, and jumping down after her, using gravity to his personal advantage to make the impact as hard as physically possible so he could pin the wriggling gem down. 

"Pearl and Amethyst think you're the problem, they don't even know but Connie-" the boy wrapped his legs under the gem and wrangled her arms in before he twisted them into a knot around Spinel's neck and pulled it tight until she could barely get a word out.

"Steven..please!" She gasped, choking on the rubble that caught in her throat. "Stop. Please." 

"I confided in her, you know? I told her what we were doing- and you know what she did? She left!" He laughed, and Spinel almost thought that he loosened his hold just a little at it.   
The diamond bent down close to her, whispering softly in her ear. 

"She said," his voice faltered for a moment, overcome with some maniacal laughter Spinel didn't know he had possessed. "She said, that I was in the wrong, that I..was using you. That I was acting like Pink!" 

Spinel shifted her head, catching sight of his peircing eyes. He pulled tighter, growing heavier on top of her. 

"But thats not true." 

"It's not..it's not, it's not, its not." Spinel agreed frantically, feeling her gemstone press harder into the ground, the pressure hurt. Everything hurt more now than any other time they had come here. 

"You're RIGHT!!" 

Crack. 

Spinel fell still, feeling the trees and bushes topple to the ground from behind the crater, which had grown after his scream.   
Steven let go of her arms and twisted her over underneath himself to see the damage. A fresh crack on that pristine pink heart. He quickly slathered it in spit before continuing, ignoring her wandering hands that searched for escape. 

"I'M BETTER THAN HER."

"You are! You are, you are..please-" Spinel sobbed, as the gem Steven healed sported another, larger crack.   
Steven scooped the gem up in his arms and planted a kiss on her heart before dropping her do the ground again. 

"Then she left me.." it wasn't a scream, and that made Spinel temporarily stop her quiet pleading. "You know what that's like." 

"I do," Spinel nodded, hoping that if she agreed enough this would end. It had to end soon. "I do, I really do. Steven, please-" 

"Shh..be quiet now."


	6. And Losers

Steven's finger pressed against her lips and she pushed her head back, wanting nothing more to escape into the ground and never come back out. It stopped being fine a while ago now, but she didn't know what else to do. She was trapped. Steven was stronger than her by far and he was sitting on her, preventing any plausible escape. 

"That's one of the things I like about you, Spinel. You'll never leave." 

His voice and his eyes seemed to say two different things to her, one telling her how much he cared while the other only thought of ways he could hurt her. 

"Honestly," he chuckled, glancing down at her. "I don't think you know how."   
His eyes narrowed as a smile grew on his face, causing Spinel to retreat further into the rocks as he leaned closer.

"I don't think you want to." His voice was low, almost lustful. It made her sick in a way she didn't know, nor want to find out. Spinel squirmed underneath him, writhing and kicking and letting out a scream that she hoped rivaled his own.   
Steven had shifted on top of her, just enough that she might have wriggled her way out from under him, if she got flat enough. 

"Get OFF!!" She shrieked, gaining some primal loathing for this beast of a diamond she didn't recognize. She wanted out, she wanted away. She wanted to be with Blue or Yellow, even White if it would make him stop trying to hurt her.   
If they were here they would stop him. If she got back to them she could tell them the truth, how bad things got and how their game turned so rotten. 

A hand covered her mouth, muffling her screams and she bit into it, hard. Only making Steven flinch slightly before he pressed it further, shoving his fingers down her throat so she couldn't even close it. The iron taste of blood stuck between his thumb and her tongue, making her choke on it as it trickled down her throat. 

"Stop screaming, this is what you wanted. Stop, stop!" Steven pulled at her bottom jaw, causing Spinel to gag and wretch. She coughed through his fingers, and stared upward, not at him, or his terrifying diamond eyes, but at the stars. They were pretty. Prettier than she imagined and honestly, she imagined this would be the last time she saw them. 

"Be quiet!" 

Spinel froze, letting her eyes fall downward toward what was supposed to be her friend, there was a rock in his hand, that must have been the thing that hurt, because when he lifted it another crack had formed on her gem. This time..on purpose? She was quiet. And still, perfectly still and quiet like he had asked. She wouldn't move. 

This is fine. 

"I've always wondered how desperate you were." He stated, almost wistfully and he gazed down at her, his eyes like daggers in her skin. "You'll do anything to be considered a friend- you're willing to be beaten to a pulp every week just to be a friend." 

The monster cocked his head, blinking at her while he contemplated something she really and truly didn't want to know of. 

"It really is my favorite thing about you." 

It was fine. 

Steven, or whatever this thing was that called itself Steven, bent down, almost far enough that Spinel could taste his sweat and his pink glow made her light up in a similar hue. 

"I'm going to take my fingers out, and you're going to be very, very quiet." He whispered, "you're not going to cry, you're not going to scream- you're going to do everything I say, or I will tell the gems that you turned on us. And I will tell the diamonds that you tried to kill me." 

Spinel nodded, choking down her silence before he withdrew his fingers and licked her spit and his blood away, healing what little damage she inflicted.   
The calmness in his voice didn't quell the overwhelming sense of terror Spinel felt, she still was cracked, and could feel it growing. 

"Ste-" 

"Ah-uh." He wagged his finger at her as though she were a child before his attention turned to her gemstone. 

"Spinel," his voice turned oddly innocent, but she knew that this wasn't the same Steven she talked to, or at least, she was sure he wasn't. 

"Have you ever fused before?"


	7. You Lose

He didn't really need to ask, but seeing the color almost drain from her face was enough to prompt him to laugh. So he did. 

"Do you want to?" Spinel shook her head as vigorously as manageable.

"Of course you do." He leaned closer, pressing his hands into the earth beside her and with the pressure, he crushed the earth in a subtle and horrific display of strength. "I bet it's all you've ever wanted. To be close." 

She lifted her chin, stretching away from him until his hand grabbed it and pulled her closer and she whimpered. 

"I bet you would never let go if you did." She would. She would let go and run as fast as she possibly could, back to the palace, back to the diamonds, to Blue and Yellow and White and she would tell them every terrible thing that was going on that she was so so stupid not to mention before.   
But..if she did, he would tell the gems that she hurt him, and tell the diamonds that she tried to kill him..who would they believe? Really? A barely reformed gem or a diamond? 

"I don't want to." She replied, despite her voice trembling. This Steven's eyes narrowed slightly.

"I didn't say you had a choice." 

Spinel flinched at the words, instinctively jerking back when he shifted on top of her and wrapped her limp arms around himself. 

"Steven, don't- I can't, I'm cracked!" She sputtered, trying to flail and writhe like she was earlier, like she could escape when she knew there really was no way. 

"Makes you easier to handle." The nonchalance in his voice made a terrible bike rise in Spinel's throat as he stood her upright, twirling her around with no care for her objection. 

"Plea-" her beg was cut short as he lodged two fingers in her mouth and draped her arm over his and twisted it around to hold it in place. 

"Just dance with me." He murmured, and for a moment Spinel almost saw something like love in his eyes. He performed a twisted and tangled waltz with her among the wreckage, twining and pulling the gem in different directions while he patiently waited for something to happen. Something Spinel pleaded wouldn't happen but did nonetheless. 

"I knew you'd come around." He whispered as he watched their gems begin to glow. Spinel held her breath, hoping that this Steven would let his guard down the moment they fused, long enough for her to escape. 

The two glowed, a sickeningly bright white that was nearly overpowered by Steven's own pink glow until something entirely new emerged. 

"How terribly wonderful." The fusion stated, glancing around the ruined garden, taking the the destruction their component parts had created. It was horrendous and wonderful, extatic and awful. They were mortifingly real now. 

"Wow, I really don't look half bad- considering." They mused, looking over themselves and the almost oversized pink jacket they wore. It was disgustingly interesting that they managed to be somehow smaller than the two of them combined. 

"Hmm..I wonder?" The fusion carefully unzipped the jacket, and peered down at the contents within, a mess of limbs tangled around their stomach tying knots and twisting around themselves in a horrific false cohesion.

"Oh, that's no good." 

It wasn't long before they began breaking apart, the twisting and pulling and tearing disallowing the fusion to maintain any kind of form before Spinel broke free and scrambled on the ground. The gem heaved and coughed, not daring to look back, instead, choosing to run toward the warp pad before this Steven could catch her. 

Alas, she didn't account for the contents of herself slinging and trailing behind her due to the crack that felt as though it grew larger with every step. Steven roper her hand around his arm and yanked Spinel back, taking her agast for his opportunity to fuse once more. 

The fusion returned, and zipped up their jacket a little higher with a content and terrified grin. 

"Let's not let that bag of cats loose quite yet." The fusion giggled before the cracks around it's eyes grew slightly larger. "This is fine! Its awfully fine- oh, we should show the gems!" 

Their voice lowered slightly at the thought, and their complexion turned a tad brighter pink. 

"We should show everyone."


	8. All the Negatives

"Yoo-hoo! Garnet? Pearl! Amethyst! Connie." The fusion called, bouncing and tumbling down the stairs with a more than unnerving grin. 

"It's so good to meet you! And you, and you, and you!" The fusion tipped a little off kilter as they shook each gems hand, save for Connie's, substituting a less than stellar high five. Connie glared at the fusion, visibly angered by their outright dissmisal.

"Steven, this isn't right." She growled, hoping to add some cold calmness to her voice that didn't quite translate. 

"She's right- Spinel, unfuse with him right now." Pearl demanded, causing the fusion to pause for momentary thought. 

"Oh..ho, haa! Not if I have anything to say about- Let me GO!" the fusion gripped their pigtails, with one pair of hands, yanking as hard as they could until the other pair wrenched their fingers away. 

"It's fine! Its fine..I wouldn't be horribly- magnificently here if I didn't- didn't.." the fusion poked their cheek, with a cheeky smile, digging a finger into the fuchsia eye and still smiling through the pain. "Didn't want to be." 

"You clearly don't. This is an unstable fusion. Let him go." Garnet unfolded her arms, almost preparing herself to fight, just in case Spinel decided to fight back.   
Connie dropped her back to the ground, and grabbed the fusion's hand, forcing them to still their manic energy. 

"I know what you're doing and it's not going to work." She grumbled, lowering her voice just so only the fusion could hear. "Let. Her. Go." 

The fusion shook their head, ripping their hand from hers and letting Connie on the head like a child. 

"I don't wanna." And with that the fusion bounced out the door, somersaulting and seemingly purposefully veering off whatever intended path they had to smack into the rocks or crash into the ocean. 

She wanted out. So badly. It's all she wanted, and if she weren't so terrified she would have been livid. Steven was having none of it though, and squandered every opportunity she was granted to escape by forcing her back down into the dark where she could see or breathe or move.   
It wasn't so dark as much as it was bright, though. Bright in a way that almost blinded her. And she had a hard time ignoring all the consuming thoughts that seemed to swarm the both of them. She couldn't even see Steven, or whatever falsified rendition she wanted so badly to assume this was. 

The fusion slowed about half way toward whatever destination the more dominant half had in mind. The crack in their gemstone had grown to the point that any more over exertion would have shattered Spinel, rendering her useless in Steven's vehement and petty revenge on Connie.   
Also, it probably wouldn't have looked good if she were the one who was found being hurt.   
The fusion licked their hand and slathered the gem in their healing saliva. It was a blessing, a short and sweet and wonderful, terrible blessing that Spinel was so, so happy to see.   
Her gem was healed, and she took the opportunity by the horns and immediately broke away from her captor, rolling out on the sand and shambling toward Connie who was lumbering toward them a top lion. 

"Connie!" Her voice was rasp, and she grabbed hold of lion, slinging around the beast and landing on top of him as Connie slid around Steven. Except, he wasn't pink anymore.   
Just regular Steven. Spinel didn't trust him though, and neither did Connie, who seemed to be the only other reasonable person around. 

"You need to apologize. Now." She hollered, refusing to step down from lion and allowing Spinel temporary relief in her comfort. The gem was tightly wrapped around her, and Connie could almost taste the terror in her trembles.   
Steven held out his arms in mock surrender, flashing a smile that would have melted them if they didn't witness his worst. If Spinel didn't witness the absolute of it. 

"Alright, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done what I did, I just..got carried away. I'm sorry, Connie." His words only made the girl scowl at him, she clicked her sword, letting the light of the sunset bounce off of it and shine in his eyes.

"Not me. Her."


	9. None of the Positives

Steven's eyes flickered past Connie, landing on Spinel causing her to shudder under his gaze.   
Her grip tightened around Connie's waist just slightly and caused the girl buckle down in her stance. 

"Alright, so maybe I went a little too far, I'm sorry Spinel." He smiled, scratched his head, made himself look far smaller than he was and it made Spinel second guess herself terribly.  
He was sorry. Of course he was. He never really- actually meant to hurt her. It was just a fluke, he lost control. He needed her. She needed him.

She deserved it in a way, anyways. She did try to kill him, she tried to kill his friends, all this was was a little payback. Now he was done. She could tell. He was only mad because Connie didn't like the idea of their therapy. 

"I-it's okay." It was, right? Friends forgive eachother, they apologize. That's what this was. 

"Are you serious?!" Connie spat, twisting around to face the gem. Spinel dropped off of lion and glanced back at Steven, then Connie, contemplating it just a little further, but not far enough to dissect it.   
Spinel shook her head, rattling the confusion away. It was fine. 

"W- he didn't mean to. And he won't do it again." She convinced herself of it. It had to be true. Of course it was true.   
And he looked truly remorseful. 

"Did he ask you to fuse?" Connie questioned, not moving from her place. 

"Yes?" He did. Of course he did. 

"Did you want to?" The question posed hesitation from the gem and she backed a little further toward the boy. 

"Well- we don't have to get technical." Spinel raised her arms, desperately trying to ignore the screaming in her head. It wasn't like that. She knew that. This was fine. 

"It's really fi-" the answer, or rather lie was cut short when she felt something peirce her. It was just a spear. One that clearly belong to Pearl. It was fine.   
Spinel's hands dropped to her side and she let out a nervous laugh, goodness, how would she explain to the diamonds that she got poofed?   
The gem promptly exploded, allowing her heart to fall into the wet sand.  
Connie immediately jumped down from Lion to grab the stone only a little too late for Steven to bubble it and keep it for himself. 

The girl glared at him, watching those unnerving diamond eyes disappear.   
She bit her lip before speaking.

"Take her home, Steven."

The boy smirked, his eyes moving past Connie toward the crystal gems that were sprinting toward them, looks of concern and fear in their faces. 

"I guess you were right, guys, she really didn't change." He addressed them, ignoring Connie all together and presenting the bubbled gem to the gems instead. He almost laughed at her huffing and silent rage. If he did it would have given away his cover. 

"Steven! Are you okay?" Pearl grabbed the boys face, mushing it and turning it to make sure nothing was out of place aside from a couple stray bruises and scratches she didn't know where in Spinel's defense. 

"I'm fine, everyone is fine! Right Connie?" He smiled, innocently enough to fool them, but Connie opened her mouth to object. 

"It's getting late, you should go home," he interjected before she could speak the truth. "I'll take Spinel back to Homeworld tomorrow." 

"I think I should stay-" 

"Don't worry about me, everything is gonna be fine." He cut her off, flashing a tad pink to get the girl to lay off.   
Connie grumbled, and hopped back onto lion, letting the beast take her far enough away that she could make a request of her own. To tell the diamonds herself what was going on. 

Steven brought the bubbled gem up to his room and set it on his desk, inspecting it from inside its pink protection.   
Poor thing had no idea, really.   
Spinel was so good at complying though, giving in to those dark vices that he always longed to have but could never perform thanks to his other, caring half. Thank god that was gone.   
He wouldn't hurt her anymore. 

"Time to wake up." The boy chuckled, popping the bubble and waiting for her to reform. The gemstone didn't do a thing, prompting a little more effort. Quiet and secret effort if he wanted to keep her on his side.   
Steven took the heart and shoved it in his pocket, sneaking the rock down to a place he knew no one else would go. 

Steven stepped into the infinity room and took out the stone, setting it down on the ground and sitting across from it patiently.   
Nothing. 

Maybe some real remorse would work better?   
Whatever he had been pushing down previously, he loosened his grip, just for a little while, allowing that pent up guilt to do the work for him.


	10. Pink Disaster

"Spinel.." she heard him almost choke on her name. How could she be so cruel?

"I'm so, so sorry. I really am." 

She hesitated, he could be? He said it earlier- maybe he really meant it this time?   
Of course he did. She was the stupid one here, she was the one who didn't set up that oh so necessary boundary. He just lost control.   
Spinel was familiar with that.   
A kind of spiral that swirls and twirls you up and drags you down into a much darker and scarier place. It makes you do terrible things. Steven was sorry, really sorry and she could tell, his tears made it more clear than anything else, and the tiny patter of his healing sobs begged her to come back.

So she did, and as much as it almost made her skin crawl to look at him, those red, remorseful eyes made her nearly melt. 

"It's...it's okay." It was. How do you make yourself believe it though?   
He looked up, and those tears immediately stopped, and he smiled. 

"I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to hurt you- it's just.." he stopped himself, closing in a little further and relinquishing any comfort from the gem. Spinel leaned slightly closer, he needed her, he needed to confide in her. That all this was- he just was lost in the dark and the spiral and she knew what it was like- she could pull him out. 

"You can tell me?" She spoke softly, almost not wanting to know, but at the same time there was a craving that bore deep inside her gem than cut a hole out in its center. 

Steven rubbed his neck, heaving a gentle sigh to hide a sly soft smile. 

"It's just..everything is changing so much, and everyone is moving on, or going away.." he admitted quietly, glancing back and watching her eyes drift to the floor as the peices clicked together in fragile familiarity. "I don't want to lose anyone else."

"I won't go." The words left her lips almost without permission and before she could retract the offer, before that last peice clicked Steven pulled her into a warm embrace and took her word. 

"Promise?"could she? This reeked of a mistake. He was in the dark though...

"I promise." Spinel slowly raised her arms, still questioning the authenticity of the promise. Steven tightened his grip, just enough to not cause her to pull away before he traced a finger along her cheek, losing his smile just slightly.

"We have to explain things to the gems." He glanced toward the doorway, feeling Spinel tense beside him. Before he stood, she grabbed his jacket and pulled at him, preventing him from moving just yet. 

"I need," she hesitated, "I need to tell the diamonds where I am, they'll worry if I'm not back." Steven paused and turned back for a slight moment.

"Don't worry about them, I'll let them know what's going on." He offered, quelling that mild disconcert in deep in her gem for the time being. It was alright, now. Steven wasn't mad anymore, he just needed help, needed her. There was just one more thing. 

"Steven?" Her throat went dry at the request before she had even made it, he would understand though. "I don't want to fuse again.."

Steven halted, but didn't turn to face her, only nodded slightly. 

"Okay."


	11. Something Terrible

"So, that's why we fused, it wasn't meant to get out of control like that but we worked things out and I calmed her down." Steven smiled and pretended like nothing changed, digging his heels into his lies like his fingers dug into Spinel's side when she tempted the thought of contradicting his explanation.   
None of it was true, of course, but she understood that somewhere within those lies there was a reason. Perhaps a reputation? Right now though, she really, really didn't want to be here. 

Pearl pressed her fingers to her chin in thought, nodding every so often. 

"I'm sorry, you mean to say that you have been sneaking off to the garden to spar with eachother for months now?" She repeated, matter of factly. Steven nodded, nudging Spinel slightly to garner a mimicked reaction. 

"And you both just got carried away?" Amethyst questioned, her incredulous tone causing Steven's relaxed demeanor to tense just slightly. He was close, so close.   
Steven glanced at Spinel, who remained quiet at his side, awkwardly shifting her feet and twirling her fingers in her hair in a little knot that she tugged on every time he spoke.

"Yeah, but everything is fine now." He laughed as nonchalantly as possible, trying to avoid the searing stare from Garnet. She was always the hardest to convince of anything, but Steven relied on the fact the Spinel alone was a wild card for Garnet. Any scenario she would be looking for would likely only be her harming him. 

"Anyways-" he continued, "I'm gonna take her back to the palace and tell the diamonds what we've been doing." 

Those words made Spinel perk up, he was taking her home now? She could tell them what really happened, after he left. They would do something right?   
Would they believe her though? Her thoughts soured. Believe her over Steven? He was a diamond like them, and they could punish her just for speaking out of turn about him.   
Still..something terrible hung around her shoulders, weighing her down, she didn't want it to stay there, and the notion of confiding in the diamonds brought just a sliver of hope to her. 

Steven led the gem up to the warp pad, beckoning her inside before shutting the door. 

"Spinel," there was a light in his voice that faded as he addressed her, causing Spinel to pause at the warp pad, dreading whatever it was he had to say. "I'm really glad you came around, I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here." 

Her heart almost fluttered at his words, but there was still a hollowness inside her that refused to leave no matter what sweet nothings he provided. She took a moment to ignore it and smiled as best she could. 

"Just please don't um..get carried away again?" She watched the smile on his face falter and he let out a mildly frustrated sigh. 

"I told you, I didn't mean to- and I apologized," he retorted, "you know I'd never mean to hurt anyone, especially you." 

"It's not-" 

"And I know how much trouble you'd be in if I didn't set things right, we can just forget this whole thing happened." He said shortly, taking her hand and pulling her to his side on the warp pad. 

Forget.

Forget? It was a nice thought, and she almost fell for it. But she didn't want to, and wasn't entirely sure if she ever could just forget.


	12. This fic is on hiatus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS FIC IS ON HIATUS

Hey everyone, I'm sorry I haven't updated anything in a while, I'm currently writing an original work titles Caring For Your Clown on Wattpad.   
In effort to focus on that story I am announcing a hiatus for all my fanfiction works until I'm completed with the book. You are welcome to read it as I write, or read my other fics on here or Wattpad. 

You can find me @DestinyLeane on that site as well.


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